Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) June 20, 2017
Before you have kids someone should be required to tell you how many hours of your life will be spent applying sunscreen.
— MamaFizzles (@MamaFizzles) June 17, 2017
Today is the longest day of the year or if you're a parent just like every day over summer until your kids go back to school.
— The Unfit Father (@TheUnfitFather) June 21, 2017
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
— Molly England (@bluebonetbabies) June 19, 2017
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I'm on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) June 17, 2017
Currently in that phase of parenthood where I'm regularly jealous of my parents' weekend plans.
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) June 22, 2017
Hi, I'm Mom. You might know me from such hits as, "We'll see," "DON'T TOUCH THE POOP," and "Are you god damn kidding me"
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) June 22, 2017
I used to hate the sound of my alarm clock ringing at 6:30am, until I woke today to the sound of a 4y.o. blowing a recorder at 6:30am.
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) June 21, 2017
Toddlers are the Johnny Appleseed of crumbs, spreading crumbs everywhere. But the only thing they're growing is the impatience of parents.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) June 18, 2017
What's less fun than moving? Moving with 2 kids and 12,000 tiny toys.
— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) June 21, 2017
One of my twins is 3" taller than the other + they have diff hair/eye colors, so when someone asks if they're identical, I always say "yes"
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) June 16, 2017
I take my coffee iced with a splash of cream and a heaping spoonful of crying and whining from my kids.
— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) June 19, 2017
WIFE: so realistically, what do you want for father's day?
ME: i dunno, maybe just some peace and quiet
WIFE: lol i know, but realistically
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) June 17, 2017
Parenthood is full of surprises. Fix your child's favorite breakfast, yogurt with peaches, and SURPRISE! They now hate yogurt. And peaches.
— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) June 22, 2017
Bad news: my kids haven't been sleeping well lately.
Good news: At least they're trying to stay woke.
— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) June 21, 2017
Just texted my kids to turn down the TV in case you were curious how strong my dad game was.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) June 22, 2017
“Still got it,” I whisper to myself as a detangle a Hot Wheel from my hair.
— Ramblin' Mama (@ramblinma) June 8, 2017
Last day of school:
Parents: [checking when first day of school is]
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) June 19, 2017
If your kid isn't begging for a snack, did they even eat dinner 5 minutes ago?
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) June 22, 2017
I showed my kids a pic of me as a kid to show them I was young once & they responded by telling me "I bet you failed a lot of math tests."
— Mike Reynolds (@EverydayGirlDad) June 21, 2017
Me: stop playing with your food
Son: if you didnt want me to play with my food then why did you get me dinosaur chicken nuggets?
— DaddyJew (@DaddyJew) June 21, 2017
After my kids fall asleep I peek into their room and think, "How can those precious little people be such assholes?"
— Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) June 22, 2017
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