At the “Weekend Update” desk, the anchors Colin Jost and Michael Che continued to riff on the shutdown and a BuzzFeed News report that was disputed by the office of the special counsel, Robert S. Mueller III.
President Trump, the man who said he would own the shutdown, clearly does not care about the people who are working unpaid, who can’t afford basic things like food. But why would he care? He’s a billionaire who controls all the hamburgers in the world. Then after Scrooge McDonald’s was done hosting his burger orgy, he went on television today and made a new proposal to end the shutdown. And that proposal was basically, “You give me $5.7 billion and I’ll give you back the Dreamers.”
Am I the only one who thinks that sounds like a hostage negotiation? I can’t wait to see his written proposal. [A ransom note appears on screen.] By the way, these protections he’s offering aren’t even real laws, they’re just vague promises he’s making. And I trust a promise from Donald Trump as much as I trust R. Kelly in a Claire’s boutique.
Yeah, I agree. That speech sucked. First of all, he didn’t even say hi. He just started talking, like we was already talking. I found that to be rude. Then he said he’s going to stop half the crime and 90 percent of the heroin with something called slats. Which as you can see is a wall without all the wall. Hear that, Mexico? Good luck trying to crack this code. What are you going to do, pass your drugs and small children through those giant slats? Imagine you’re a Coast Guard or TSA or any of the thousands of government workers that are actually stopping drugs and crime from getting into this country, and you haven’t been paid in a month. And the president gets on TV — doesn’t say sorry, doesn’t even say hi — but instead, he’s like, “Hey, what do you all think about slats?”
BuzzFeed published a story that said Robert Mueller had evidence of Trump committing an impeachable crime. But the details were so sketchy that even Mueller’s team had to be like, “Sorry, fake news.” How disappointing was that? You know how many suburban moms had to retract their group texts to the family reading, “We got him!!!” The crazy part is that the White House is now celebrating that Mueller disputed only this one aspect of the investigation, while there’s still like 100 other crimes still on the table. If you got tested for every STD, and your doctor said, “Well, the good news is, you don’t have chlamydia,” you wouldn’t be like, “That’s all I need to hear, doc — no condoms for this guy.”
Look, BuzzFeed, I think it’s great — we all think it’s great that you all want to help. But this isn’t really what we need from you. Y’all are BuzzFeed, you do memes and lists. Everybody’s got that aunt who has roaches, and every Thanksgiving, she’s like, “Hey, y’all, what should I bring?” And we’re like, “Uh, ice. You bring the ice, because we don’t want to be picking raisins out of the turkey.” That’s you, BuzzFeed, you bring the Ice. As Dr. King once said, “Don’t go chasing waterfalls, please stick to the rivers and the lakes that you’re used to.” There’s no shame in that. We all play a role. Look, sometimes, kids come up to me and they’ll say, “Michael Che, I get all my news from you.” And I say, “Don’t do that.” I bring the ice.
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